Day Five

That’s why I knew last night while I was lying in bed, listening to dad in his bedroom racking his lungs with another one of those god-awful coughing fits, that if I didn’t resolve this today I would never do it. I had to do something. I had to walk through my fear, and if a deaf, dumb and blind woman could walk through her fears until she was old and grey, which must have been mountainous – can you actually imagine never seeing daylight, never hearing another voice, never singing at the top of your voice? – then surely I could walk through mine. But I also knew that if I didn’t do it today – now – then nothing would ever change, and that scares me more than dad’s coughing fits, so you kind of get the picture how bad it is. In fact, I was awake till after two in the morning worrying about it. My mind was whirring faster than the needle on my Janome when I’ve got a deadline to meet. I kept thinking about what mum used to say before… well, before you know what. “Find yourself a good man. Fall in love. Have kids. Money doesn’t matter. It’s what’s in your heart that really makes you happy.” And there I was, lying in bed with no man, no love, no kids, no money, and a heart that felt heavy and incomplete.